My (not so) Existential Dilemma of the Week

I am sitting in a vacant apartment in the same complex that David & I have lived in all of our married life, trying to decide whether or not I should move to this apartment.

The apartment we currently live in is beautiful, and the largest in the complex, a corner unit full of windows for all of my plants. It has a master bedroom with a walk-in closet, a master bathroom, a large living area, a “breakfast bar” where we had all of our meals, a nice kitchen, a guest half bathroom, a beautiful den (my writing room), a large office for David, also with a walk-in closet, and another full bathroom, as well as a washer/dryer, and laundry area.

All of the windows have window boxes outside of them for planting. We loved the apartment. I had it painted the way I wanted it (a bright red kitchen, sage colored walls in my den, accent walls in a rich brown, and a soft taupe in the master bedroom. The previous tenant put beautiful window treatments on all of the windows, and I bought and installed nice light fixtures. David loved the way I designed and set it up. With wood planking and open spaces, it was a better setup for getting around in the wheelchair. We both really loved it.

But now it is too expensive for me to manage, and I don’t need all of the space. Also, at first I was reluctant to think about moving because all of my fondest memories with David are in that apartment. But as the days go on everything reminds me of moments we shared and I feel sad that he is no longer there.

So I am trying to decide if I should move up to the Penthouse floor (a fancy name for the top, or 4th, floor).

This apartment is a one bedroom with a walk-in closet, it has a large bathroom, a large living area and kitchen, and a large loft space. It has very high ceilings, a gas fireplace, a balcony accessible from both the living room and the bedroom, and a gorgeous view of the city. The upstairs loft would become the office and my writing space. There is wood planking throughout, with marble countertops and a beautiful backsplash behind the cupboards and stove. There is space above the cupboards to put vases, colored glass bottles, and baskets, something the other apartment lacks. There are far fewer windows, Though they are very tall, so I would have to get creative with my plants. The view is truly stunning, especially at night. It feels safe and has a good, creative vibe to it.

The thought of moving, even just up three stories, is still daunting. I seriously need to “Marie Kondo” my life! It would save money, though we got our current apartment at a great rate. So while I would be saving some money, I would be losing far more space for the price. However, I do not need all of that space, as much as I love it.

I am thinking that the change of apartments might be good for me, to help me pare down my things but also to regroup and recreate my life and professional self from a different perspective. I gave up the focus on my career to enable David to flourish in his remarkable career. I have no regrets, but now I can carry on his work and put some focus into my professional goals.

So here I sit, hoping for David to give me a sign (or get some divine inspiration) on what I should do.

I need to decide in the next day or two, before someone else takes it. And before the price goes up (apartment pricing can change daily, based on the market). Right now the ideal day to sign on it would be December 6th. But that would mean paying rent on two apartments for December.

These are difficult decisions for me to make. On the one hand, just staying where David last was is tempting, but will I be able to move forward? I will never “move on,” but I do need to move forward, to start to forge a life alone (though always with his spirit) dedicated in great part to his legacy.

In addition to trying to deal with the Social Security Administration, the IRS, our personal affairs and going through all of his files to finalize and bring closure to his medical and legal practices, I need to contemplate moving. I think it could be good for me, on the other hand I want to hang on to the place he last was.

So this is my (not so) existential dilemma of the week…🥀

Published by The Philosophical Widow

Only some seven+ years after meeting and marrying my soulmate, I became a reluctant widow. It is a surreal experience, especially because my beloved husband was indomitable. There were so many health scares, times that medically he should not have survived, but beat the odds and went on to do better and better work, not to mention being a loving life partner. I changed dramatically during our time him I found the safety and true love that I had always craved. This sense of safety and unconditional love allowed me to do the deep trauma work necessary to heal and become whole. I came to possess a strength that I never knew I had. I learned what true happiness felt like. I had it all in this amazing man. All except time, that is. “We loved each other enough for a lifetime, but tragically only had a moment.” Yet I am full of gratitude for having had the opportunity to love and be loved by this man. He was my world. Now I must learn who I am without being at his side and without him at mine. My only regret is that we did not have forever...

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