Yesterday’s, or was it the day before’s, (not so) existential dilemma about whether or not to move has been solved. As much as I love the new (potential) apartment, I realize that the timing is just wrong. I am needing to work all day every day, with help, to try to clean up our affairs, start to close down David’s medical and legal practices in a thoughtful and ethical way, and regroup and figure out the way forward. There are so many details to attend to, and fires to put out.
I have not had time to properly grieve. Sure, I break down sobbing when I realize that this nightmare is really true, or at night when I am missing him so much and just long to hold him and hear his voice, and I start to cry, but I have not yet had the luxury of sitting with my feelings, with no pressing issues to worry about, and just let the grief wash over me.
With all of this going on there is no way I can add moving, an extremely stressful experience, on top of it all. I’m worried about having a neurological “breakdown.” So I will stay in our beloved apartment, though I will need financial help from family to be able to stay here. I will celebrate our life together by recreating the space in a way that allows me to move forward. I will never move ON, but need to be able to move FORWARD.
Meeting David created an amazing change in me, from finally finding in him the safety and love I had always sought, which allowed me to finally do the deep trauma work that I needed to do to heal. I became a much stronger person, and always remained loving and loyally committed to this amazing man. I learned the true meaning of gratitude.
Now, I must learn who I am without being at his side, and without him at my side. This will be a year of grieving but hopefully growing as well. As I told David as he died in my arms, “You taught me what love was. You were ‘my person,’ the one I was supposed to spend my life with. No one can ever replace you, and I will stay married to you until my time here is done. Hopefully we will be reunited again. You gave me the strength to survive without you, now it’s up to me to find the will. You are my life. But if I must live without you, I will do so by honoring your memory and keeping your legacy alive. I will love you always.”