The Unbearable Lightness of Being…Alone

I miss David so much. I miss his voice, his touch, his being…

As I work so hard at wrapping up his practices, day in and day out, every day a new fire breaks out that requires my immediate attention, I just want to ask him to guide me through this:

What am I supposed to be doing?!

Why am I supposed to be doing it?!

How am I supposed to do it?!

Can’t I just say, “screw it” and crawl under the comforter until I can breathe again?! And will I ever be able to breathe again?! He was my oxygen.

I am just so damn tired. I want time to reflect and cry and figure out how to manage in life without him. It’s not that I don’t cry, it hits me at random and usually inappropriate moments. But I need to try to stay on task and get this all sorted out, ethically and thoughtfully tying up the loose ends of his practices and then close them down.

How did he do this? Simultaneously practicing medicine and law, as well as advocating for ADA issues and working towards completion of a Master’s Degree in Bioethics! I am just dealing with the last month of it all and I’m overwhelmed.

He was a remarkable soul, that is certain. Why did he have to depart this realm so soon?! That isn’t how we planned it. He would constantly try to reassure me that he would never leave me alone, that he would not die until I had. Though I thought it was cute and romantic, I tried to let him know that he wasn’t really in charge of such things, but I appreciated the thought.

The thing is, I believed him. He was indomitable. He had survived the impossible, he was truly never going to die…until he did. Leaving me completely unprepared and stunned.

I am grateful for the time we had together and the opportunity that the safety he provided me with gave me a chance to heal my trauma and become a much stronger person.

If I hadn’t gained that strength I would not even be able to try to find my way to going on without him.

There is so much that has to be done that I do not have the luxury of thinking about the future. I just need to put one foot in front of the other, day after day, until finally I will have wrapped up the loose ends he left here. Then I will start the journey of how and why to go on. I have things that I want to accomplish to preserve his legacy and also to carry on his work.

For the first time in a long time I will have the opportunity to forge a path for myself. Will I find the courage? As Nelson Mandela used to talk about, the combination of a fear of failure and a fear of success leaves one paralyzed and stuck.

Those challenges are for another day. For now I am so exhausted that I cannot think. For now I just hope that I can get some sleep.

Published by The Philosophical Widow

Only some seven+ years after meeting and marrying my soulmate, I became a reluctant widow. It is a surreal experience, especially because my beloved husband was indomitable. There were so many health scares, times that medically he should not have survived, but beat the odds and went on to do better and better work, not to mention being a loving life partner. I changed dramatically during our time him I found the safety and true love that I had always craved. This sense of safety and unconditional love allowed me to do the deep trauma work necessary to heal and become whole. I came to possess a strength that I never knew I had. I learned what true happiness felt like. I had it all in this amazing man. All except time, that is. “We loved each other enough for a lifetime, but tragically only had a moment.” Yet I am full of gratitude for having had the opportunity to love and be loved by this man. He was my world. Now I must learn who I am without being at his side and without him at mine. My only regret is that we did not have forever...

One thought on “The Unbearable Lightness of Being…Alone

  1. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you—I know that “new normal” is always difficult but I hope that it’s all getting to be just a little bit easier for you. I talked to Diane a few weeks ago and she said that you have people helping you—I hope that continues.

    Liked by 1 person

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