The more overwhelmed, exhausted, and discouraged I start to feel regarding all there is to do after the death of a loved one, the more I am tempted to use the “Ostrich” Strategy: to bury my head in the sand and hope that it all magically disappears when, or if, I come up for air.
Intellectually I understand that this approach to problem solving is not only ineffectual, but also ridiculous. That said, it tempts me daily.
I’m also finding it more difficult than I thought it would be to write this blog every day. Part of the reason is mental exhaustion, and part of it is having to think of a theme for the day’s entry. Then there is the part of writing a blog that is very lonely – I never know if it is even being read by anyone. If you are following this and have subscribed to updates every time I post on this blog and you are not getting a notification, I think it is because I don’t have a clue what I am doing, and the link to get email notifications is likely “unsupported,” whatever that means. I will reach out to tech support today to get help with this because I have heard from a handful of people who tell me that they are followers and have signed up to receive updates and are not getting them. Imagine how discouraging it is for me when I check my “stats” and I keep seeing: No Followers. No Comments. No Likes. It’s not a confidence builder. If anyone who knows how WordPress works happens to be reading this and you feel like sharing your knowledge with me, please message me. I need the guidance!
Back to my theme for the day: pretending the problems and issues I must deal with don’t exist. It’s tempting to be sure. I am really tired of dealing with this stuff day after day and want some resolution so I can move on and focus on grieving.
I’ve been exhausted, and not sleeping well and so I am getting sick with a respiratory infection. Not cool. Also, I am physically starting to break down and de-compensating neurologically. Among the problems I am experiencing are autonomic body movements that are beyond my control, and my legs buckling when I try to stand on them, sending me tumbling to the ground. Then there is increased difficulty walking, loss of balance and frequent falls. There is an uncomfortable element of déjà vu to the whole thing…
I need to slow down and rest more. So I am trying to make those changes. Yet bedtime is the most difficult time, it is when I miss David the most and I feel so utterly alone. So I have been tending to “avoid” it. For example last night I just kept busy doing things until midnight became 01:00, which then became 02:00, 03:00, and on until it was morning and time to get ready for the day’s tedious work, plugging away at the never ending“To Do” list.
I am really needing a change of pace. I need all of this busy work to be over so that I can just grieve. Grieve and think about my future, and what I am going to do next, how I am going to survive.
I am also finding it difficult to write this blog every day as I don’t have a good grasp of this platform, how best to use it to optimize and support my writing, and how to expose my writing to more people. I don’t even know how to be sure that the various applications are supported. I don’t know enough to pick a different theme and customize it.
So as I am writing this tonight I’m feeling discouraged about this blog and wanting to end it, learn more of what it takes to write a successful blog (this is my first, pathetic attempt), learn about all of the tools at my disposal to create a more aesthetically appealing blog site. If anyone out there who may be seeing this can give me some pointers I would very much appreciate it. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to blogging…
I miss David, I ache with loneliness and long to see him, hear his voice, and hold him. I was hoping that this blog would help me to express my feelings and thus keep his spirit alive through my words, but I feel that it isn’t working.
I will continue to analyze the situation and try to learn what I need to know to make this blog compelling and successful, but I am not sure that I am going to continue it for much longer.