I just passed the six month mark since my soulmate, my better half, departed this realm.
The anesthesia that is pure shock and stunned disbelief is wearing off , and I am realizing that this is not just a bad dream. This shit is real.The Philosophical Widow
I’ve been really struggling. Somehow I thought that this would get easier, but the opposite is true. The anesthesia that is pure shock and stunned disbelief is wearing off, and I am realizing that this is not just a bad dream. This shit is real.
I am still working to thoughtfully and ethically close down his medical and legal practices. This is a bit above my pay grade. Since I last wrote my beloved David was awarded his Master’s Degree in Bioethics posthumously. He certainly did the work, he just didn’t get a chance to finish his thesis. He deserved this and I am proud of his many accomplishments.
Challenging & Uncertain Times
Times have changed since my last entry, with the SARS CoV-2/CoVid-19 pandemic sweeping across the world. Having to isolate alone during this very raw emotional period is difficult and I have been slowly slipping into that deep dark hole, the “Darkness Visible” that author William Styron describes so well in his book of the same name.
Emotionally paralyzed and in a dysfunctional state, I made the conscious choice to try to stop the descent. Grief counseling has been helpful, and I am praying for a Prozac miracle.
Coping With a New Reality
For everyone, trying to cope with this uncertainty that comes with the virus, the massive changes that we are all having to make with no real end date in sight, is creating it’s own problems and taking a toll on our mental health. I know that for me to get through this well I need to discipline myself to create and follow a set routine, which includes self care.
The experience of this pandemic has made me extremely grateful for several gifts:
1. That David didn’t have to try to live through this.
2. If he had to die, he was able to do so in my arms rather than alone in isolation.
As usual David, the Universe, or What/Whoever had brilliant timing. Things that don’t make sense at the time become more clear over time. Why did David have to die when he did? Now it makes sense, or at least a blessing. His trying to survive the Coronavirus pandemic and manage with all of the restrictions, unable to work, would have been horrible for him.
Everything Happens for a Reason…Or Does It?
At least from a scientific perspective, everything in the Universe is random, but we humans assign meaning to them because we require a sense of order and control. We crave justification and purpose.
There is an over-used saying, “that everything happens for a reason.” Famed Astrophysicist (and one of my idols) Neil DeGrasse Tyson, sees it differently. At least from a scientific perspective, everything in the Universe is random, but we humans assign meaning to them because we require a sense of order and control. We crave justification and purpose.
David was able to make his final exit peacefully as I held him and spoke to him, knowing that he was and will always be cherished and loved. For that I will be forever grateful.