Trying to Write Again: Reflections on Life, Loss, Uncertainty, and Gratitude

Trying to write again…
[Photo credit: The Free Photo Library]
Trying Again

I just passed the six month mark since my soulmate, my better half, departed this realm.

The anesthesia that is pure shock and stunned disbelief is wearing off , and I am realizing that this is not just a bad dream. This shit is real.

The Philosophical Widow

I’ve been really struggling. Somehow I thought that this would get easier, but the opposite is true. The anesthesia that is pure shock and stunned disbelief is wearing off, and I am realizing that this is not just a bad dream. This shit is real.


David received his Master’s Degree in Bioethics posthumously.
[Photo credit: The Free Photo Library]
Legacy Continued

I am still working to thoughtfully and ethically close down his medical and legal practices. This is a bit above my pay grade. Since I last wrote my beloved David was awarded his Master’s Degree in Bioethics posthumously. He certainly did the work, he just didn’t get a chance to finish his thesis. He deserved this and I am proud of his many accomplishments.

Challenging & Uncertain Times

[Photo collage credit:
Deidre A Kellogg Ketroser]

Times have changed since my last entry, with the SARS CoV-2/CoVid-19 pandemic sweeping across the world. Having to isolate alone during this very raw emotional period is difficult and I have been slowly slipping into that deep dark hole, the “Darkness Visible” that author William Styron describes so well in his book of the same name.

[Photo credit: The Free Photo Library]

Emotionally paralyzed and in a dysfunctional state, I made the conscious choice to try to stop the descent. Grief counseling has been helpful, and I am praying for a Prozac miracle.

Coping With a New Reality

For everyone, trying to cope with this uncertainty that comes with the virus, the massive changes that we are all having to make with no real end date in sight, is creating it’s own problems and taking a toll on our mental health. I know that for me to get through this well I need to discipline myself to create and follow a set routine, which includes self care.

The experience of this pandemic has made me extremely grateful for several gifts:

1. That David didn’t have to try to live through this.

2. If he had to die, he was able to do so in my arms rather than alone in isolation.

I will always be grateful that I had the gift of holding my beloved husband in his final hours.

As usual David, the Universe, or What/Whoever had brilliant timing. Things that don’t make sense at the time become more clear over time. Why did David have to die when he did? Now it makes sense, or at least a blessing. His trying to survive the Coronavirus pandemic and manage with all of the restrictions, unable to work, would have been horrible for him.

[Photo credit: the Free Photo Library]
Everything Happens for a Reason…Or Does It?

At least from a scientific perspective, everything in the Universe is random, but we humans assign meaning to them because we require a sense of order and control. We crave justification and purpose.

There is an over-used saying, “that everything happens for a reason.” Famed Astrophysicist (and one of my idols) Neil DeGrasse Tyson, sees it differently. At least from a scientific perspective, everything in the Universe is random, but we humans assign meaning to them because we require a sense of order and control. We crave justification and purpose.

#gratitude

David was able to make his final exit peacefully as I held him and spoke to him, knowing that he was and will always be cherished and loved. For that I will be forever grateful.

[Photo credit: Deidre A. Kellogg Ketroser]

Published by The Philosophical Widow

Only some seven+ years after meeting and marrying my soulmate, I became a reluctant widow. It is a surreal experience, especially because my beloved husband was indomitable. There were so many health scares, times that medically he should not have survived, but beat the odds and went on to do better and better work, not to mention being a loving life partner. I changed dramatically during our time together...in him I found the safety and true love that I had always craved. This sense of safety and unconditional love allowed me to do the deep trauma work necessary to heal and become whole. I came to possess a strength that I never knew I had. I learned what true happiness felt like. I had it all in this amazing man. All except time, that is. “We loved each other enough for a lifetime, but tragically only had a moment.” Yet I am full of gratitude for having had the opportunity to love and be loved by this man. He was my world. Now I must learn who I am without being at his side and without him at mine. My only regret is that we did not have forever...

2 thoughts on “Trying to Write Again: Reflections on Life, Loss, Uncertainty, and Gratitude

  1. Deidre, I’m so sorry to hear how hard things still are for you. but I admire your ability to find the silver lining. (Maybe the pandemic will finally convince enough people that for-profit health care doesn’t work; the equations of supply and demand do poorly with trans-finite values.) Ross Douthat wrote an Op-Ed in the NYT on April 12 about “The Pandemic and the Will of God”, where he suffered a remarkable lack of imagination. His conclusion was that there is no answer to the question of suffering, but that we must try to find meaning. This sounds like a waste of time to me – certainly there are more productive things to focus energy and attention on. (and there’s nothing wrong with a little Prozac if it helps!)

    Liked by 1 person

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